fear of failure's all you've started

Here's a song that's been running through my head for some time, and my thoughts on some of the lyrics.

Turnin' On The Screw, by Queens of the Stone Age
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fORkDrwIhAw (lyrics are in the sidebar)

The message of the song has been really rattling through my head lately. I've come to the conclusion that the song is generally about a person that doesn't really fit in, and is condemned by society for being different. Evidence of this comes towards the beginning, when Homme (ie, the misfit) says "The world is round, my square don't fit at all." Here, I think he's making a reference to that children's toy with the various shaped holes and the accordingly shaped blocks, saying that he's a square peg to a round hole; he doesn't fit in. Further evidence comes later, at "Disappear man, do some magic. You want a reason? How's about because?" This to me is everyone else in society (the collective) telling this misfit to go away. When the misfit asks why he should go away, the collective simply replies "Because".

Later, after his sort of off-tempo grunge-esque guitar solo, Homme goes into what is in my opinion the most powerful lines of the song:

"Scared to say what is your passion,
So slag it all, bitter's in fashion.
Fear of failure's all you've started,
The jury's in, verdict:
Retarded."

In these lines, it seems to me that the misfit is criticizing the collective as being afraid to admit what they really want to do in life. The misfit then says that they "slag it all" (ie, they say "fuck it, life sucks, happiness is a lie), and the misfit adds that everyone nowadays is cynical ("bitter's in fashion") so you'll fit in perfectly with the collective if you're a bitter, cynical person. However the misfit responds to the collective's nihilism critically, saying that all they've done their entire life is be afraid to fail ("Fear of failure's all you've started"), and therefore haven't attempted to do the things they want to in life. The misfit then adds, tongue-in-cheek, "The jury's in, verdict: retarded", basically calling the collective retarded for being too afraid to pursue their passion in life and for being so cynical.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts on the song. It's such an awesome one, and a perfect opener to the album (which is called Era Vulgaris, btw), which has a similar theme of the masses vs the individual. It's a kick-ass song on a kick-ass album from a kick-ass band. Totally <3 them.

What to do.

Currently listening to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t4TRDUvFZE

This term thankfully isn't too terribly difficult even though I'm taking 16 credits, because my History of Rock class is total cake. However my Japanese class is pretty intense, but that's to be expected.

I think overall though, I'm getting more used to the stress of college. A lot of it just seems to be time management, which is something I'm getting better at. Still, there never feels like there's enough time in the day to get things done, and it kinda sucks having to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday because every day of the week I have either school or work.

One thing that I'm extremely excited about however is going to Japan again. Most Japanese universities are on the semester system, and their first semester of each academic year starts in the spring, so they start their year at the beginning of April and go through July. I want to go for one semester, so I'd be gone for 4 months (and this is next year, of course). Because I'd be gone for so long, I'd finally get to quit my shitty ass job. Also, I'd probably sell my car so that I wouldn't have to make pointless insurance/car payments while in Japan, and I can use the money to help pay for the trip. Also, when I get back to America I'll be going to PSU full time, and therefore won't need a car because I can take MAX there like I do now, the only difference being I would have to bus from my house to the Town Center.

Finally, once I get back from Japan, I have absolutely no desire to go back to living at home, so as soon as possible when I get back, I want to move out. I'm planning on getting an apartment somewhere in Portland so that I have easy access to MAX to get downtown, but I don't want an apartment actually downtown because it's way too expensive down there. Once I'm moved out I'll finally start getting financial aid, which will help ease all the loans I'll probably have to take out. Thankfully, by the time I get back from Japan I'll be nearly done with my bachelor's degree, so I won't have to take out much more money.



Well anyway, going back and reading all this, I realized how BORRRINGGG it is. But I guess I'll post it anyway. I mostly just wrote it for myself, really. It helps me think more clearly when I write things down, and get them out of my head. So yeah.... that's what's in my head at the moment.

"breaking the habit"

...is a shitty song written by a shitty band called "Linkin Park". But it's what I've been doing lately, so I figure it's also an appropriate title to this blog.

I've realized that good things stop being so good when you become dependent on them, when you become attached to them. Then they just become a dependence, an addiction, or something like that.

My biggest attachments lately are food, coffee and video games, and I'm working at breaking my attachments to them. Food is definitely the hardest, but it's also the most rewarding when I deny myself it. :)

学校

School this term: kicks ass. I love my classes. All of them are extremely interesting, and doing the homework is actually kind of exciting because I get to engage the material on a deeper level, and I get a chance to get my head around things. It makes me realize how friggin' slow things are in high school, and how much time is wasted. I guess it didn't help though that I only took one AP or Honors course in my entire high school career.

気持ちだけだ。

I'm fucking in love with Queens of the Stone Age. Now, I've really liked some bands before. I've gotten into an artist and listened to all their albums and all of that before. But with these guys, it's like I'm seriously infatuated with them. Their music is just fucking awesome in ways I'm just now starting to get.

I dunno, I guess their style of music just really appeals to me, because I find that lots of other people don't care for them a whole lot. And I didn't even care for most of their stuff at first either. But I listened to it, like, really listened, and I found that I love them. Era Vulgaris is my current favorite album of theirs.

So yeah, in short, mucho love for them. <333

music and winter term.

What I've realized recently is that most things of quality, of artistic depth, of real beauty, are complex. The best parts of most great novels is what's written between the lines. And it takes some work to dig through them, which is what I now realize they were trying to teach me in English class all these years. And I think the same think goes for music. For me, I find that some of my favorite music out there is stuff I didn't care for much at first. For example, Queens of the Stone Ages newest album, "Era Vulgaris", is slowly turning into my favorite of theirs, when initially I didn't really like it. But I peel back the layers, and I find there's more and more to it than I ever imagined.

So school this term seems amazing. It seems like I'll love all of my classes this term. It'll be a lot of work, but I'm hoping it'll be pretty rewarding.